Nothing Personal

                      So.... the physics equation as been solved.  It's another sinus infection (with, perhaps, a touch of bronchitis.)  So a new round of antibiotics- a different one in case it's a touch of resistance from the last sinus infection instead of a brand new separate one.  But that's really no big deal with Feisty Pants, so not what I want this post to be about.  Instead I want to talk about exactly how stubborn special needs kids can be. (She's been a little cranky this weekend. Can you tell?) I was reading an article on how special needs kids are much more likely to be the victims of child abuse than typical kids.  They are also WAAAAAAAAYYY more likely to be punished in school and receive harsher punishments for the same infractions as typical kids.  (Honestly.  You can look it up but then you will need to give your soul a bath.  Don't worry, we will wait here.)   That seems counter intuitive.  One would think (or hope?) that we would be less likely to be harsh and inflexible with the vulnerable in our society but statistics prove otherwise.  And that got me thinking.   Surely, we human beings, on the whole, are not that awful and horrible that we are simply bully the vulnerable because we can.  Because they are vulnerable. I used to think it was because caring for someone with special needs was stressful and since, humans are fallible, some of us just cannot handle the stress well and lash out.  (And that some of us are just awful.)  But research seems to point to the fact that it's not quite that simple.  It seems on some level to also be about misinterpreting the behavior of those with special needs.   People don't understand why those with special needs may behave in ways that will make no sense to you whatsoever.  And that led me to thinking about stubborness.

                   Case in point, this is a conversation I had with very smart eleven year old daughter.  I came down from the shower last night to Feisty Pants yelling "Ummy, C'mere. Ummy!" (Mom, come here.) She wanted to bitch about about her father. "Goo told me. He TOLD ME!!!! (meaning he scolded her)  When asked why, she told me she threw herself off the couch and got hurt. (Not badly, just a boo-boo)  After he told her NOT to do so. Which she then did because she was mad that he had made her put clothes on after her bath.  (My kids are hippies.  They'd be barefoot and naked all day if we let them.)  So I asked her: "Did you know you shouldn't do it?"  (yep)  "Did you know you would get hurt?" (yep)  "Were you just told not to and yet you did it anyway?"(yep)  So why shouldn't Goo scold you?"  (dirty look)  "Did it accomplish anything but make your night worse?"  (really dirty look)  "Was this a good idea in any way at all, hmmmm?" (dirty look and tongue stuck out at me)  That's probably NOT normal  behavior for most eleven year olds.  They'll rebel and be sassy but not by hurting themselves.  Mine will.  And it's because she cannot slam her door or post how awful we are on her fb account or text her friends that we don't understand her and are evil and boring.  It's no fun and pointless to run away from home if some adult has to push your wheelchair for you.  What she can do all by herself  is throw herself out of furniture and give us a heart attack.  Just to prove we are NOT the boss of her, and that IS normal for an eleven year old to want to do.  If it only hurts for a few minutes it just might be worth it in her mind.  Because she IS that stubborn.  Most special needs kids are.  But we, as the mere mortals dealing with them, had better learn that it's not personal.  It's not about us. They are just being who they are.  Why should any kid automatically have to fit into our molds?

                   And that is the paradox of disabled kids.  You see, these kids survive amazing odds.  They handle illnesses that most don't survive.  They have pain tolerances that put adults to shame.  They get up every frigging day and struggle against awful odds and survive and thrive again and again and again.  They do not do it by being flexible and easy going.  They do not do it by being wishy washy. They do it by having a toughness and resilience that is awesome and staggering in its scope, like a tsunami of self will and determination.   And turns them into stubborn pains in the butt.  And we, as parents of these feisty ones, had better learn to laugh and roll with it or we will drown in it.  It isn't personal.  They didn't turn it on and point at us, so they cannot turn it off either.