Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Side Quests

        Greetings from Siberia!!!  Ok, not really. But we are having a lovely storm here on the East Coast, and I am gonna sit back and enjoy the ever loving hell out of it.  This week has just turned out to be a snow day for grown ups and I am grateful.
        You see, we are supposed to sitting in an admissions office at Shriner's Hospital in Philadelphia, as I type this.  Feisty Pants was supposed to be having the first of a two stage surgery for her scoliosis  tomorrow.  Obviously, that's not gonna happen.  Not because of the snow, but because the Universe sees fit to make my existence a trial by ordeal for someone with ADHD.  In the process of arranging for FP's surgeries, we have to {ahem ahem clears throat, opens locked room to reveal wizard's lair, unlocks ancient battered luggage with fangs as it tries to bite, removes dusty, arcane scroll written in ancient language with demonic aura, eyes roll back into head and begins to intone in magic prophecy}  " get a couple of clearances from a couple of different specialists.   Who shall then require several tests.  Which shall then send thee to more specialists.  Who shall require more tests.  And several machines to be placed in questseeker's home.  Which shall require more tests and other medical professionals.  And this shall take frigging forever and require you slay the evil dragon known as Insurance Requirements.  And several of these arcane wizards will be morons who want to send thee to  specialists to redo tests you have just done with the first batch of wizards. And in the meanwhile, time will pass and winter shall come and everyone will share germs so people will get sick, and someone (not saying who, but looking at you Feisty Pants) will be hospitalized and really slow this process down."  

           So, all the info has not been processed/gathered/fed to the demon of medical paperwork.  So the surgery has been delayed.    But since we are still waiting to get the last test done,  which by the way seems to include explaining to a doctor that Feisty pants does NOT need to see an ENT about getting her adenoids removed since she hasn't had them since she was six years old, the Universe has decided to cut me some slack. It has given me the loveliest of breaks.   Unlike all you summer loving freaks, I adore winter and snow.  We were stuck in Syracuse in a hospital for the two coldest weeks of winter and thus never got to enjoy it. You never really see the outside world when your kid is hospitalized. At best, you just see various parking lots between the room your kid is in and the room you pass out in. But today, oh today. I woke to about a foot of gorgeous snow on the ground, and a lot more on the way.  Goo made a fresh loaf of bread.  I have a pot of veggie soup in the crockpot. There was mini Dr. Who marathon on to keep FP occupied and happy.  I'm just gonna sit here and sip tea and absolutely revel in this in between moment the Universe has sent my way. Thank you Universe.  We really needed this.

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Birthday House Rules

           Feisty Pants' birthday was today.  She turned 14.  Ruled the school.  Had a blast with Facebook messages.  Sailed through her bday dinner like a Roman emperor. ( In her honor, we made Cheweverything Pants a senator.) 
            So, since Feisty Pants totally slayed the day, I humbly present her rules for complete birthday domination.  You're welcome.
1) Know that you're cute.  Even if you're not. I don't care if you look like a rooster or Frankenstein or something from the Walking Dead.  It's your day so you're automatically more beautiful than all those non birthday having mortals. Own it. Wear your favorite birthday outfit.  Dress for the job you really want. Wanna be Batman or a unicorn?  Do it.  Feisty Pants chose a hello kitty tee, a tiara, and a screaming pink sash that proclaimed her the "birthday princess".
2) Be gracious. Kindly and humbly accept all the praise and adulation that is due you.  Of course those aforementioned mortals should be heaping good wishes, presents, and songs of praise upon you, but a good thank you and a nice smile will make sure they keep coming next year.   All it really takes is just a little kindness to keep your minions happy.
3) Do your homework in a timely fashion. Want dinosaur poop for your birthday? Make sure the gifter knows well enough in advance to order it from the museum store in time.  Want your boyfriend to get the perfect card for you?  Give his mom the right hints and you too can get a hello kitty card that perfectly matches your outfit.  Want special cupcakes with special icing? Throw that fit right before your mom goes to the store. Timing is everything.  Be prepared.
4) Last but not least, don't forget to have fun.  Throw the party. Have cupcakes AND a cake. Eat a giant piece of cake.  Split the cake with the dog.  Wear your new tiara.  And when the party is finally over, curl up with the dog on the couch and see who can happily snore and/or fart the loudest. (Hint, Senator Cheweverything Pants will win.) 
           There you go.  How to rule the birthday kingdom like the benevolent despot you were born to be.  Have fun and don't forget to keep your tiara on at slightly rakish angle.  It's cuter that way.