The Language of Healing

                     Well,  now we are on our third week in Shriner's.  The surgeries are done.  The rods and screws are in. Robokid is doing pretty well considering she was bisected and rebuilt. Twice. She looks fabulous with a capital FAB.  Before she looked like Richard III straight of the Shakespeare play. Now she looks about Richard III in real life.  The breathing tube is out.  For the second time.   She has been moved out of the PICU.  For the second time.   Weaned her down from heroin to heroin lite. Weaned her down from two iv antibiotics to one oral one. (Oral being loosely defined as whatever we can shoot into Feisty Pants' g-tube.). All in all, it's been pretty smooth sailing.  

                      So, now we come to the actual hard part.  The physical therapy.  The respiratory therapies designed to get her lungs back on track after two major surgeries in eight days. The part where she is sore and cranky and mad at us for doing this to her.  The somewhat boring, really hard work of healing and rehab. The hospital staff now has the unenviable task of teaching Feisty Pants to not throw herself out/off of things that are annoying her.  And of teaching her cranky parents not to break her.   But while we doing all this relearning of how to best manhandle Robokid, I've noticed I'm slowly picking up on the medical lingo and thought I would pass some of it along.

Doctor lingo-

What they say:                                                   What it means:

I'm a little concerned about....                            This is freaking me right the eff out...

I'd like to explain....                                            Hear my wisdom, Mortal.

You have to understand....                                   but you won't, idiot.

Nurse, where did you put (insert item here).      Nurse, I lost (item) again.

Nurse, I've charted that on the computer.            See, I didn't forget! This time.

Nurse lingo-

What they say:                                                    What it means:

Dr, when did you want me start (procedure)?     Moron, we need to do it now. Right now.

Well, that's just our Dr. So-and-so.                      Who has the social skills of baboon.

Well, now that's interesting.                                 How the eff did you manage that!?!?

Ok, dr., I'll get right on that.                                 Get out of the way so I can it done.

Hmmmmm....                                                Freak out now. Right now.

                    Now, if I can just figure what the hell is meant by the sign in the bathroom telling people not to throw away "bowel programs" in the trash.