How to Traumatize Other's People's Children Without Even Trying

               If I ever want to be the next John Carpenter or Wes Craven, I won't have to look far for inspiration.  All I will have to do get a transcript of any one of Feisty Pants' visits to the (insert dramatic music cue here) dentist (insert roll of thunder, flash of lightning).  It's a classic horror tale.  All the elements are there.  The day starts out seemingly normal.  The office seems fine, friendly even.  Everything is all right -at first.(Cue shot of overly dramatic prairie dog) Then, like all good horror stories, it begins to seem anxious and the tension builds.  The nice office staff suddenly seem creepy.  Feisty Pants begins to express her anxiety softly at first, but then loud enough that she is whisked away into a back room and doors quickly shut so other kids won't be frightened.  Too late. They already are.  They've seen her face full of suspicion and fear.
              Next comes the really scary part for the other kiddos.  As they begin to ... (wait for it) clean her teeth, she starts howling and bitching.  LOUDLY.   Then the dentist, who actually is a very nice man calmly proceeds to say things that must seem weird to an outsider.  Things like, "I know your scared but must you bite?"  Or, "Oopsy, that's a lot blood for that. Suction, please"  All while Feisty Pants is screaming, "You done? Get done! Go home now!" or "Done. Be Done!" or the ever popular, "Goo! I want GOO! GOONOWNOWNOWNOWNOW!"  And, remember boys and ghouls, her speech is very garbled. When agitated, she sounds like she is crying and whining.  And that's BEFORE she has a mouth full of dental instruments.  Sometimes she kicks too.  So let's see... That's weird dental instrument noises, check.  Child shrieking and seemingly moaning, check.  Suction noises, the mention of blood, and the occasional bang and thump, check.   Yup.  That should just about do it for scary movie noises.  And we are waaayyyyy off in the very back of the dentist's office.  I think that's because the office staff are trying to dampen the noise down so as not to scare the other kids.  Fools.  Those kids all know that's where the dungeon must be kept.  They put all the screamers back there.
               And just when the tension cannot get any higher, it's abruptly quiet. That's almost as freaky as the all the noise was.  I'm sure some kid thinks Feisty Pants has died of fear or been smothered to keep her quiet.  And then, the nice dental hygienist who has been talking in that annoying voice all grown ups get when trying to jolly some little kid (but, let's face it, big people, only comes across as creepy)  tries to cheer Feisty Pants up with a new toothbrush and a sticker or toy.  Feisty Pants, for her part, happily accepts- mostly because she knows they are all done mucking about with her mouth and she can go home now.  And we make the next appointment and stroll on outta there.   With all the little kids in the waiting room looking at Feisty Pants with big serious eyes and slightly worried expressions.  Feisty Pants, who is now in a terrific mood, gives them a wide grin.  By the way- have I mentioned she doesn't swallow properly?  So she gives them a wide grin with a little trickle of blood running down from the corner of her mouth.
              The last couple of times we were there they had us leave by the back door.  I really wonder why.